Cancer Sucks

I'm not even sure where to start. My mind is a hot mess, jumbled and murky. I'm mad, sad, depressed, hurt, and feeling completely broken. Why? Cancer & Tumors - that's why. At this point in my life I feel that most people have dealt with a cancer situation in some way. Whether you had/have, someone you know had/has, one of your family members, or one of your four legged kids.

In my case - cancer has struck my household twice in 5 years. That's two times to many. This time - it cast it's horrible spell on Rollie, my 18+ siamese cat. I'm beyond devastated, have been crying nonstop for going on 72 hours (as I write this....by the time it posts it will be a full week of hard core ugly crying). Cancer sucks for humans - 100%, it sucks more for pets. As humans we can say I don't feel good, this will make me feel better, I want/need whatever. We can process the treatment options and make a decision based on research and doctors recommendations.

In pets, they don't have that voice, they can't tell us what hurts or doesn't feel good. They can't say this will make me feel better, that treatment is the one I'd like to try. It's left to their hooman and Dr. to make those decisions using our best judgment. Let's add in that the cure for cancer is non-existent, sure radiation and chemo are treatments that can make it go away temporarily or sometimes permanently for humans. In pets, what are the real treatment options? No to many. This time around, there was NO treatment option. Why? Because of the location. Rollie has a tumor, behind her left eye.

How did we get to the tumor diagnosis? We initially went to the vet cause she sounded a little wheezy, her only symptom. Sure she had lost some weight - but we had just gotten our

Kidney Disease diagnosis, so we were not concerned about the weight at this time. We treat with an antibiotic injection. She starts to sound better - fabulous!

Now we notice her eye is closed/squinty. Could be one of a bunch of reasons - an eye infection of some sort, a scratch, debris in the eye. Nothing major to worry about. Nonetheless, I scheduled a Dr. Appointment for her. At which point, the Dr. notices the back of her mouth looks like there is potentially an infection, but more likely she has a tumor behind her eye. So we go over the treatment options - an injection of antibiotic in hopes that it's just a really bad infection that needs more meds, this is a more financial friendly treatment. OR we can schedule for them to do more invasive testing that includes have Rollie put under anesthesia. Right off the bat that is a more expensive option and one we would be best to leave as a last resort.

So I say fingers crossed lets do the antibiotic. Maybe I double crossed somewhere, maybe someone has a voodoo doll and figured I needed this shit in my life. The antibiotic did not work. Eight days later I call the vet to say, it's no better. We discussed previously there isn't much that can be done without costing an arm and a leg and then some. We could do testing that would confirm it's a tumor, but that's it. So why did I call the vet? In hopes that maybe it was something else, denial, who knows. But the answer was, bring her in, we will do some testing tomorrow.

First thing Gene drops her off (After she spent the night with no food and being dosed up on gabapentin). She hangs out at the vets office in the kennel, where she tries to get the door open. She HATES anything with a metal grate or door. She once tried to get out of her carrier with a metal door by pulling her nails out on the metal. Yep - showed up to a routine vet appointment with bloody paws....However, at the vets office she didn't go to that extreme. Dr. B checked on her several times to see if what she was seeing was really what she was looking at. Sure enough, from her visit 8 days ago it had gotten so much worse. Dr. B said Rollie is on her last few days/weeks. It has progressed so fast that the time is moving quickly. No more testing to be done, no anesthesia to be had. Rollie has cancer, and it moved to quickly for anything to be done. On the phone with Dr. B who has the patience of a saint, I cried, sobbed, and gathered my thoughts. What now? That was my question, now what do we do. This seems to be a recurring question with my pets.

Is it truly time to let her cross the rainbow bridge? Is it time in a few weeks? How do we know, like truly know that it's time? There's a questionnaire that the vets office gives us, everytime we end up with an extremely sick cat. It's truly meant to help you decide if it's time. With the all to famous line - Quality of Life is important. It does help, although we have always known it without the questionnaire. My last question: What do you think we should do? I know, really - she can't answer that, she shouldn't answer that. But I ask, and she says how is she at home I tell her: She's moving around more than she ever used to, seems mostly happy/content, obviously in pain. Dr. B says, take her home, spoil her, cuddle with her, give her all the love and treats, give us a call and we can get you scheduled.

I go get her, I cry the entire way there, while I'm there, the entire way home and the entire time I'm at my pet sitting job. At which point I call and schedule for her Euthanasia for Friday afternoon. I sob even more. It's a good thing they know who I am and what I was calling for. Minimal information needed other than to tell me a time, wish me happy last moments and they are sorry for what I'm going thru. I continue to cry for the next 3-4 days on and off about this truly shitty situation that no one should ever be in.

It's absolutely killing me that I have to go to work at the dress shop and the chiropractor, that I'm house sitting ALL week. I'm not home to comfort her, I haven't been there because I've been working so much. I'm hurting for so many reasons, I feel like I failed as a pet parent to her. Deep down, I know I didn't fail her, she got the best care possible, loved more than I can ever explain, spoiled to the maximum. But yet, I still feel like I failed her. She's 18, lived an amazing life, getting the best food, treats, human snacks and all the pets in the world. But yet, I feel so horrible and the one thing I can't get over - I failed her.

So I do what any sane pet parent would do right? I keep going to work, continue with the pet sitting, and decide to wear myself down by visiting Rollie every couple of hours. Cuddles with her sitting on the kitchen floor, sitting by the litter box, laying on the bed in Gene's office cause she silently snuck in there for a snooze. I can sleep later, I can catch up on housework next week, nothing is more important than my time with her, and maintaining the jobs that pay me.

She is a twin, has a sibling by blood (literally from the same litter) that she is bonded with. They are often found laying together, ontop of each other, in the most uncomfortable positions. They are never to far apart. They share everything - including the kidney disease diagnosis. My heart hurts for the empty spot that will never be filled for smokey. My heart hurts that Rollie is going on the Rainbow Bridge Journey without her best pal. She will be reunited with some of her siblings - Peppermint & Pita.

She has a unique bond with one of the kittens as well. Bear - he forced his way into her to close for comfort zone. This happened shortly after the kidney disease diagnosis. Who knows why, but he has decided that she has no personal space whatsoever. She's laying in her comfy bed, he climbs in and lays down right by her side to snooze away the day. She's walking around, he follows her and body slams her, rubs his face on her face, sniffs her butt. Whatever he can do to be a little bit closer to her he does. Most days, it doesn't bother her at all. As the cancer took over and rapidly spread, her patience for his shenanigan's was getting shorter. One day I'm in the kitchen, I see him body slam her. I'm about to say leave her be, she doesn't feel good. But Rollie reacted faster than I could speak. She turned and bit his head, not hard enough to do anything - just enough to let him know she'd had enough. No hard feelings on his part, he still gets to close to her.

I don't know how I will function after this journey is complete for Rollie, things will be different, there will be an absence in our home. Her quirky little meow's, high fives that she tricks everyone into giving her pets, carry jingle balls by her K-9 tooth and dropping them when someone looks, her piercing blue eyes watching me cut cantaloupe waiting for the pieces I "accidently" drop.

Cancer's a bitch, I hate it. I hate that there's no cure for it. I hate that even more so in pets the medical technology isn't there, when it is, it's so expensive you have to make hard decisions - treat or not. All dependant on your financial situation.

Rollie - keep being you, love us, gain your weight back, don't forget your trick - giving fives, watch over us and don't let Smokey leave us to soon. You'll always be my one and only Rollie Pollie. Peppermint & Pita are waiting for you with open paws and hearts.

With a truly broken heart,

Till our tails cross,

Mel